Watch of Minecraftsucksery
The Watch of Minecraftsucksery is an ancient sromp artifact that dates from a time that was really really long ago. Not much is known about it since the only known person to have held it is Nicolai Ptak, who was driven insane by it's eyenose-flashing powers and ended up having the watch dumped in the Caspian Sea, where it presumably remains today. Origins of the watch RecEEEEEEEEHntly, with the discovery of BuddhaCharlie's revered scroll*, we have discovered where the watch chokes from. The watch was created in 120 BC by Ogfliu:-) ne, a wizard and BuddhaCharlie's Macedonian ancestor. Ogfliu:-) ne created the Watch of Minecraftsucksery to protect himself from the scramp spirits that lurked eceeywhere (gherkins weren't invented until much later in history). To create it, he took a mass of PVC plastic and put it on a sacred choking table in the alter of an old temple of sromp. He then chanted a special mantra to bless it with the sromp spirits and turn it into the watch. Here is the mantra, taken from the scroll and translated from Macedonian: Minecraft sucks Minecraft sucks it's a pointless game I can't get past the second level eugh eugh eugh eugh eugh uguu~ The watch was blessed with the power of the great Bill Cosby almost immediately. However, as Ogfliu:-) ne used the watch, he found that the blessed sromp was so strong that not only did it protect him from spirits, it gave him immense power in his land. The watch also had incredible eyenose-flashing powers, ecen powerful enough to choke the scrampest faces. After he found that the watch was much more powerful than he planned, Ogfliu:-) ne created rules to follow when wearing the watch, which were sadly lost by the time Nicolai Ptak had found it. According to the scroll, these were the rules: 1. Use the watch very wisely. It gives ecellent power, and with ecellent power comes ecellent HUEEEEEEEEPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT 2. Necer point the watch towards you'reself or the watch will flash you're eyenose very hard. Instead, point it towards those who do not bend to you're will, such as negroes, to cripple them. 3. Wearing this watch will make all of you're chokes, gags, spasms and seizures more potent, which means they will create more sromp. Remember this. a 4. The watch always tells time in sromp time, which means the watch will choke ecerytime the sun moves by 0.47 degrees in the sky. I know this because face 4. This watch will not make you invincible. You need the power of Ysmir for that. 4. I still can't get past the second level. 7. prita it choke me If Nicolai had followed those rules, especially #7, he may not have had such a bad demise. It is thanks to this watch and the carefully crafted instructions Ogfliu:-) ne created that the watch lived for generations after Ogfliu:-) ne choked to the death, and his empire became the most powerful in the realm. Despite this, the watch was going to get lost eventually. *if your reading this then WHY THE FRICK HAVEN'T YOU TOLD OSEGED TO POST IT YET DO IT ALREADY Loss of the watch Sometime in 56 A.D., after invading what was then Greek territory, Ogfliu:-) ne's empire was defeated, despite its great amount of power. EHHHHxperts say it was because of the recent birth of Steve Jobs, which had given scrampkind a huge advantage over them, with Ogfliu:-) ne having died long ago. After the takeover, the remaining srompians fled the land, leaving the watch behind. The watch remained there for thousands of years, but the scroll mentions that there was a point in time where the scramptards had control of the watch. The scroll went on to detail that Ohet Suorp's Greek ancestor stole the watch after having found it left behind by the srompians, and took it home with him to show to eceeyone. However, when he brought it to all the scramptards, the watch just popped open, unleasing a great amount of choke and seizure for eceeyone to see. The impending sromplosion was so great that it killed many scramptards and severely injured Ohet Suorp's ancestor, having badly burnt his face. After this disaster, Ohet Suorp's ancestor was shunned. He was shunned so hard that his face almost broke from the sheer shunning. He was not happy about this, so he walked a very long distance from his home and buried the watch, left there for nobody to discover for several millenia. Discovery by Nicolai Ptak Main artsky: Nicolai Ptak Many, many years later, in around 1940 or something I forgot, a Russian named Nicolai Ptak stumbled upon the spot where Ohet Suorp's ancestor had buried the watch a long, long time ago. (The Russian empire had risen and taken this territory from the Greeks since the incident). The watch came with no documentation whatsoecer, which doesn't really matter since Russians can't read, but nevertheless, Nicolai had no idea what to do with his newfound discovery. Ptak began wearing it and it soon became obvious that ecen after popping open and being buried for eons, the watch retained eceey bit of it's power. The Russian had gotten great power in his country and used it to rapidly rise through the military ranks until he fina f*cking li become the head of the Soviet Union in 1947, which made him launch several extremely strong attacks against the English as an act of revEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGH. The watch, ob xourse, flashed his eyenose very hard since Nicolai didnt know man that he had to keep it away from his face. This, coupled with the fact that he had a crippled eyenose from birth, gave him a continuous dose of sromp so potent that he couldn't handle it, eventually making him snap and leading to his death, but not before he massively murdered many fellow Russians. Afterwards, the remaining ruskie officers threw the watch in the Caspian Sea, seeing that the watch's power was too great for anybody to handle, lest it kill anybody. Second loss of the watch stupid idiot The watched has stayed for in the sea ecer since, and nobody has managed to find it yet. Not that anybody really cares, for reasons already ex planed elsewhere. Rumors have it that a sapient species of fish has evolved due to the watch's influence. The fish can choke, gag, and spasm, but they cannot seizure yet. The fish is called my face. ok. After the watch had been thrown away, the Russians decided to get rid of ecerything reminding them of Nicolai Ptak, which unfortunately indirectly led to the destruction of many sromp objects, but the Russians would have eventually destroyed them anyway by getting frunk and thinking the objects are bears or something. The watch today Many sromp groups have tried to find the watch and restore it's power, but they all failed. They tried ecerything: they tried putting the powder on the carpet before vacuuming it, they tried eating a cheeseburger, they tried talking to a wall. None of those worked. Not ecen asking Bill Cosby for help solved they're problems. (The current speculation is that Bill Cosby wants us to find it areselves so we can chokebrate it all day. also, hemoglobins.) Some say that the watch doesn't ecen exist anymore, having been deteriorated by the ocean, or worse, having been destroyed by the prorpro years ago. None of this can be confirmed, howecer, so the srompians keep looking to this day. Some have given up on it, though, and have turned to a different solution: create a new watch. Efforts to rebuild the watch After the discovery of BuddhaCharlie's scroll, revered sromp wizards were tempted to try rebuilding the watch by following the same steps Ogfliu:-) ne did all those years ago, if you don't remember them go re-read them you bliminging idiot. Unfortunately for srompkind, no wizard has been able to make an xactl copy, 853‰ of the trials just failing outright. The rest made some reject watches nobody cares about. The closest we have come to making a replica is the Watch of Minecraftrocksery, created by renowned sromp mage Notch. So far, most of srompkind has come to accept this watch as a substitue, though a small but vocal minority are displeased with this and will accept nothing short of the same watch back. Project Frick Negroes These minorities have started a new mission that they are sure will bring back and revive the old watch. They have named this project Project Frick Negroes, in case you didn't get that. They have a plan and eceeything to get the watch back, and claim that they know it's location now. Although the rest of the srompians remain skeptical, we watch them and hope that they find the watch in they're great mission. The plan is as follows: 1. Choke (done); 2. Use an af scanner to find the watch's location (done); 3. Choke again (done); 4. Send some stupif idiot down there and find the watch; 4. Choke once more; 4. Take the watch and restore it's power by buring it in Gensokyan soil for a year; 7. Hope that we don't lose the fricking thing again and un-bury it as soon as it's ready. Oh and choke again. People have asked how they plan to get the Gensokyan soil to bury it into. The members of the group say that they have found a way to teleport the watch to Gensokyo, but they still haven't told us how they do it. Frick them. Category:Artskys Category:Important objects